I have never really talked to anyone about my battle with food. I think it is mostly because I don't want to admit I have a problem or that I am embarrassed. However, it has been on my mind lately and I think I need to get it off my chest. Even though I don't think many will read this (probably a good thing) I just think it would be nice to see if there is anyone in the same boat as me.
So here it goes: My name is Victoria and I am a binge eater.
It all started when I was a little girl. I was introduced to candy, fast food, processed foods, anything bad for you at a very young age. I love my mother with all of my heart but my eating problems began with her. She suffered from anorexia, I remember at a very young age she was hospitalized. I didn't know what was going on then but as I grew older I started to understand everything that was happening. All I remember is that at some points she would eat a lot or not at all.
I, however, was the opposite of my mother. Anorexia was never a problem for me. I dabbled in bulimia at a later age but that is a something entirely different. For me, my problem was what I later found out was called binging. I would try so hard to not eat and then I would gorge myself on anything I could find.
I had easy access to horrible foods. My mom would keep "the candy stash" in a cabinet somewhere easily accessible to me. We also ate out at least 5 dinners of the week. Jack in the Box was a favorite. I loved curly fries and chicken strips. On the weekends when we we to the mall See's Candy or Krispy Kreme doughnuts were always something we picked up. And don't get me started on when Girl Scout cookie season came around. From so young I was trained to love horrible for you foods. I craved sugar all the time.
I never learned that if I ate all that crap I would gain weight. I was a kid, I had a growing child's metabolism. Nobody ever taught me about nutrition or a balanced diet. Low and behold when I started getting older I started packing on the pounds. My mom always told me that I was supposed to put on weight before I grew so obviously I listened to my mom.
But by the time I was 16 years old I was done growing. I was saved at this point in my life because of high school sports. However, my junior and senior year I moved to Arizona and did not participate in any sports or groups. I got a job at a local movie theater where popcorn and soda pop was free to employees. Jack in the Box was right across the street and my school sold Arby's sandwiches during lunch. I ate anything that tasted good and I ate a lot of it.
Then my weight started skyrocketing and I was freaking out. I couldn't fit in my clothes and I had to ask for a new work uniform. So then I would just not eat. No breakfast, no lunch. Finally when I was so hungry I would eat at dinner and when nobody was watching I would stuff my face with anything I could think of. Because I wasn't eating during the day my weight stayed the same, I was still overweight but I was not gaining anymore. I went on like this for a very long time.
In college I started to study nutrition. It was fascinating and I changed my habits completely. I became a Vegan and started learning what was good and what was bad. I still had those tendencies. I would still think about food ALL THE TIME. When I was having a bad day or school was getting too stressful, I would eat in secret. I would eat so much that my stomach would ache. I did get in to long distance running and my calorie burn still managed to outdo my calorie intake so I lost a lot of weight. I even started this blog at this time in my life. I was so much better than I was before but I still had issues.
But then tragedy struck. My husband, the man I was with since I was a freshman in high school was cheating on me. A divorce came and I was an emotional basket case. Of course, us breaking up was inevitable. Our whole relationship when in arguments he would tell me how fat I was. I remember vividly him grabbing my thigh screaming, "Do you think this is attractive?" I would run more to try to get rid of the pain being caused to me. Eventually I was down to 115 pounds but that was still not good enough. I didn't think about it while I was with him but the emotional baggage that I carry around with me from incidents like that will never go away.
When I moved in with my family I tried to make the appearance of happiness. Slowly but surely, in bits and pieces I was finding happiness. But I was still hurt and broken. I ate to fill the void that was in me. I went from being 120 pounds to 155 pounds within a year.
I reverted back to my habits of not letting anyone see me eat and then when I was alone eating to the point of pain. I remember stopping at a gas station once on my way home buying 3 doughnuts, 1 king sized container of Reese's Peanut Butter cups, a big bag of chips, a large soda, and some Skittles. I ate it all. And I hid any evidence I could. Occurrences like this happened repeatedly and I was so ashamed. I would, just like back in high school, cry after I was finished, hating myself for what I had just let myself do.
It wasn't until about November of 2012 that I truly realized that something had to change. I was in a good spot in my life, I had met a wonderful guy, I was looking for a new job, and I was finally getting over all the pain that my Ex had caused me.
I am truly trying to live a clean and healthy lifestyle now. I do fall back sometimes though and I still think about food constantly. I am making sure to eat throughout the day so I am not binging at night. I do make sure not to deny myself foods that I am craving so I don't fall back in to my old patterns. I am not perfect and I never will be, but I can constantly keep trying to better myself :)